!!! SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS !!!
You loved The Force Awakens, right?
Sure you did. Everyone did. It's made a gazillion dollars and shows
no signs of stopping. It's washing that icky prequel Jar-Jar taste
out of our collective mouths. It's giving us young feminine heroes
sans slave bikinis to rally behind while still bowing the nostalgia
strings of our cello hearts making J.J. Abrams look like the
Yo-Yo Ma of space opera.
I understand. Really, I do. I took my
eleven year old son to go help awaken the money force in IMAX 3D and
it was nothing less than a spectacle. I loved the original trilogy like
everyone else and The Force Awakens paid tribute in a way that fans
dreamed about when they bought tickets for The Phantom Menace and had
nightmares about when they left that movie.
It was
entertaining as a standalone, also. The actors were solid. The story
succeeded on the strength of a tested formula. The special effects
were without equal.
But after the Star Wars intoxication had
passed I had time to analyze a little deeper. I had time to pick
apart things. Basically, I found things to bitch about. Bitching
about them doesn't suddenly mean I don't like the movie. But I see no
reason I should have to ignore these things either.
Kylo Ren
is kind of a wuss. So is Finn, but I have a lot more problems with
his character than just his uselessness in a fight. So let's stick
with Ren for now. Here's a guy who's the son of Han Solo and Princess
Leia. Both a couple of certified badasses. If that's not enough, he
was identified as being strong with the force at a young age and
received training from Luke Skywalker. Yet he's easily outwitted by
some kids and eventually defeated by a child who has literally never
held a lightsaber before. He couldn't even out-muscle her when they
were leveraging for position. I understand she's a force prodigy,
but he was able to toss her into a tree a few seconds earlier, then
suddenly he's at her mercy. Even fucking Finn gets a wound on Kylo
and he's got no force helping him out.
(Yes, I know Kylo is
wounded from Chewie's blaster. It's no excuse. He's a wuss. Let's
hope Supreme Leader Snoke fixes that.)
Tangentially, why do
any of the Jedi or Sith fight with a lightsaber when they can sling
people into walls or squeeze there brains telekinetically?
Now
for the part that might be a bit controversial. Of course, there was
already controversy when folks first found out there'd be black and
female storm troopers. There's always idiots ready to spout nonsense
at such announcements. I'm fine with black actors getting all the
parts in Hollywood. Black Santa Claus? Bring it on. Idris Elba as
James Bond? Might be the first Bond I watch in years. Remake of
Passion of the Christ with a black Jesus? I say go for it. And don't
leave the women out. You wanna make all female Ghostbusters? Sure,
why not? Make an all female Magnificient Seven while you're at it.
But now that I've seen the movie. I don't think we should have had
black and female Stormtroopers. Before I make my case, let me show
you a couple of pictures.
|
Actual Fucking Nazis |
|
Space Nazis (AKA Stormtroopers) |
Does the First Order (and why the fuck can't they just be The Empire?) look
like an inclusive group to you? If you're going to base an
antagonist off the most historically racist government in the history
of mankind, then it's a little self-defeating to have them be
inclusive of other races and genders.
Besides, when did they
stop being clones? (Don't answer that, angry nerds.) Which brings me to my next issue.
Finn is
also a wuss. He wants to run away from everything. He wants to avoid
conflict with the First Order at all costs. I understand that he was
taken from home at a young age. The fact that he's a non-conformist
despite his years of training and brainwashing is a pretty cool
gimmick. But what about his attitude. Why is he trying to be sassy
and funny? Why wouldn't he be stone cold serious all the time? He
acts more like a guy who's been kidnapped last week, not as a child.
Let me offer a different version of Finn and Rey. Finn is
indeed a pacifist. He doesn't want to kill, but he's underwent the
brainwashing of the First Order. He's white, and the First Order has
taught him to see other races as inferior. After making his escape to
Jakku he meets Rey, a young black salvager who's in possession of
BB-8. The girl proves her mettle time and time again, causing
him to question everything he's been taught. He decides to
join the resistance and use his superior Stormtrooper training and
cold logic to help win the fight. Against the odds he and Rey become
close, and Finn becomes a softer character over the course of the
film.
That's my version. Maybe a little too deep for the kids
buying Star Wars happy meals.
Another tangential question. If
you
are going to open up
Stormtroopers to other races and genders, then why are there still
only humans in the First Order? The resistance has all kinds of weird
alien allies, including Ackbar and Nien Nunb. Why don't the bad guys
ever have anyone like that? There are clearly some badass aliens
in the Star Wars canon that would make for better soldiers than
humans, so where are they?
Lastly, lets talk about Han Solo's
death. Should it have been saved for the second or even third film?
It's impossible to say without knowing what else is in store. It was
a beautifully tragic moment but if the other two films lack anything
comparable then it will be for naught. Plus, Han was really terrific
in The Force Awakens. I'm not sure the new stars can carry scenes the
way Harrison Ford does and I don't think Carrie Fisher is up to that
challenge either these days. Even if she is, it doesn't look like
she'll have that sort of role in this trilogy. That leaves only one
hero who can save us. Help us Mark Hamill, you're our only hope.